Life sucks. I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like...
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED ************* CALL CHUBBIE
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Two boys are playing Football in a park in Glasgow, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Rangers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"Sorry, since we are in Glasgow, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Celtic Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I assumed everyone in Glasgow was either a Rangers or Celtic fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Glasgow Kills Beloved Family Pet".
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for awhile. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband. The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get �200 a shot for it out in London."
With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too. "Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife. "I want to see how you can live on �400 a year!"
The teacher asked one of her first grade students, "Little Boudreaux, what is your problem?"
Boudreaux answered, "I'm too smart for first grade. My sister she's in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Boudreaux to the principal's office. While Boudreaux waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Boudreaux was brought in, the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test...
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boudreaux: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x6?" Boudreaux: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Boudreaux can go to the third grade".
The teacher said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions". Both the principal and Boudreaux agreed. The teacher asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Boudreaux, after a moment repied, "Legs".
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boudreaux calmly replied, "Pockets".
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Boudreaux: "Pants."
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means somethinghot is going on?"
Boudreaux: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Boudreaux in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.
Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later.
The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing his error.
In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran pastor of many years who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends.
Upon reading the first email she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor.
He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:
To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
PS: Sure is hot down here!